


guilt (I should be better)

by SunlitGarden



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: 2x05, Almost forced breakup, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Betty Cooper Needs a Hug, Black Hood drama, F/M, Gang Initiation, Gangs, Guilt, Southside Serpent Jughead Jones, The unmentionable thing doesn't happen, mild Archie and Jughead antagonism, season 2 divergence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:48:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24745603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunlitGarden/pseuds/SunlitGarden
Summary: Divergent from 2x05: Betty goes to break up with Jughead or risk incurring the wrath of the Black Hood but finds her guilt is too great to truly follow through. It has to end.With every hit at his initiation, Jughead feels the impact of Betty's breakdown and what it might mean for their future. He wants to be better. He promised he'd come back to her.
Relationships: Betty Cooper/Jughead Jones
Comments: 40
Kudos: 115
Collections: 7th Bughead Fanfiction Awards - Nominees, Color Me Riverdale





	guilt (I should be better)

**Author's Note:**

> There are certain episodes that I want to tear apart in eight thousand ways and this is one of them. It's angsty but less so than the show in my opinion. Thanks to the generous and genial @theheavycrown and @bettycooper for their input on the fic and graphic!
> 
> *SPOILERS*  
> They don't actually break up, though Jughead worries they will when he gets back from initiation. No Harry Styles song sadness/grossness scene to make me want to set the writer's room on fire either :D Yay

Every step feels like a test to the very ground Riverdale is built on. The gravel crunches like the weight on Betty’s shoulders is heavy enough to sink her into an early grave.

That’s what the Black Hood wants: for her to be paralyzed, alone and vulnerable so he can come in and make her in his image, make her  _ better _ .

She hates that he twisted her cursed words and closes her eyes against the constant state of sleep-deprivation and dehydration that plagues her throbbing mind.

By the time she makes it to the Southside, she’s trembling. Running her hand over the trigger of her phone, she wonders just how much the Hood has tapped into her life. Is her cell bugged? Is he watching her right now?

There’s only so much more she can do to keep her life intact—to keep the people she loves relatively safe.

Betty had begged Archie to help Veronica understand Betty just _can’t_ be her best friend while her family is falling apart and the pedicure offers weren’t really helping anything. Surprisingly, Archie’s been willing to go to bat for her more than she feels like she deserves. Going to Jughead on her own feels more like a self-inflicted punishment than a service to him. Avoiding everyone has been devastating but it also gives her more time to investigate, something she’d normally have her partner for. She acutely feels Jughead’s absence almost like a missing limb, half expecting him to be there in the Blue and Gold with her to react to her sharp inhale and breath and ask, “What are you thinking, Betts?”

Besides the last-minute meeting at Pop’s, Jughead hasn’t exactly been breaking her door down to figure out what’s happening with her. He’s been busy with his new…  _ life _ .

“Betty?” Jughead’s voice is like a jolt of caffeine and she looks up, prying her nails out of her palm beds to catch his dark blue eyes furrowing in concern. “What are you doing here?”

“I had a phone call...” She can’t get the rest out. It won’t come.

“You’re shaking.” He thunders down the trailer stairs in a heartbeat, an arm around her shoulder while the other rubs her down. “What happened? Is your family alright?”

A sob breaks out of her chest with the force of a shattered window and she covers her face in shame. It’s all her fault.

Increasingly alarmed, Jughead pulls her against him, his hand warm and reassuring on the back of her neck. It would be so easy to melt into him, to be comforted. Footsteps crunch on the gravel and they both stiffen, her fingers curling into his clothes.

“I’m sorry, Betty, but you have to go. You can’t be here for this.”

“For what?” she asks, pulling back to look at him.

Guilt flashes across his face as he tightens his grip on her shoulder. “I’m meeting a friend for a school project.”

“What friend?”

He looks away. Her heart pangs as she remembers his new “partner” in crime-solving and then hates herself for feeling so insecure about a relationship about to implode anyway. From his mysterious injuries and the bags under his eyes, there might be a lot more he isn’t telling her about what’s keeping him up at night. Betty feels desperate, angry desolation thrum through her veins, a constant, throbbing ache. She’s so tired of lying, of holding onto something that’s broken. It burns her in a way she never expected after surviving the humiliation of Archie’s courtship. She’s tired of not being  _ good enough. _

It’s like she’s suffocating in plain sight. Jughead left the Northside to take the target off her back but she’s the one whose presence seems to put everyone at risk. Her meddling ruins lives. Every time she tries to fix something or help it ends up worse. This cycle of destruction has to end.

She can’t look at him as she lets out a wet breath, her knees threatening to give out when she says, “I can’t do this anymore.”

“What? Betty, of course you can. Whatever it is, you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.” Weeping, she shakes her head. He cradles her, looking around like the town itself will try to pry them apart, not acknowledging that it already has. “Can we call Archie to pick you up? Or Veronica?”

“ _ No _ .” She squeezes his wrist. “I need to talk to my boyfriend if that’s even–if that’s what we are anymore.”

His eyes widen in alarm, then narrow in censure. “Of course I am! What are you talking about?” She shakes her head, trying not to fall apart as he wipes her cheek, softening his voice. “I’m sorry that things have been insane with the… shift. You know I love you, but there’s this test–” He cuts himself off, scanning the trailer park as the footsteps get closer.

“What test?” She fumbles for the pepper spray on her keychain and tries to block him with her body as he does the same.

An ensemble of young Serpents approach them and for the first time in her life, she’s actually glad to see them. To be fair, the alternative was a masked murderer. Betty had studied the Serpents’ social media in the abstract hope of understanding them, of getting to know a part of Jughead’s Southside world. From what Veronica and Archie said, the guy at the front is Sweet Pea, the one who dragged Archie out into the street for an all-out fistfight that might’ve ended worse if not for V making them come to their senses… with a handgun.

Serial killer stalkers and shootings in the streets weren’t what she envisioned when the town committed to making Riverdale a better place after her speech. Justice is in everyone’s hands and it’s made her realize how awful humanity can be. She is no exception.

Maybe things wouldn’t be so screwed up if she’d just asked them to forgive FP, to absolve children of the sins of their parents, and to let her love Jughead in peace.

“We said no outsiders.” Sweet Pea glares at her, brass knuckles glinting.

“She’s not staying. You’re not staying, are you Betty?” Jughead pushes at both of her shoulders, subtly pleading for her to follow along.

She can’t stay anyway, but it hurts nonetheless. “You want me to leave.”

“Just for now. I promise I’ll explain everything.” His Adam’s apple bobs, body language wracked with guilt.

Her fingers tingle with the onset of numbness as she glances from the Serpents to her boyfriend. “You’re joining them.”

Hesitating, he seems to weigh his options before admitting, “Yes. Tonight’s the initiation.”

She’s numb. The world feels like it’s tilting, the same heavy feeling right before she passes out. She starts moving. Nowhere in particular. Just  _ going _ .

Jughead wants her to leave. She’ll go.

“Betty!” He’s pulling at her arm, trying to get in front of her and wipe her cheeks. “We’ll be okay. I promise. I’ll explain everything.”

There’s only one thing she cares about as her body starts quaking. “You’ll come back to me?”

“Always.”

He frames her face with his hands before he kisses her with a desperate intensity.  _ I need you _ , it says.  _ I love you _ . _I'm sorry._

_ I need you, too _ , she thinks, stumbling to a random trailer’s steps to sit with her head between her knees. Jughead rubs her back until they bully him into leaving.

A bottle of water is at her leg and she doesn’t know if Jughead left it for her or if it was one of the Serpents because she couldn’t watch him walk away.

Maybe this is the day that she loses everything.

_ No _ , she asserts. The Serpents will protect him. They  _ have  _ to protect him.

~~~

_ She needs me. _

_ <whack!> _

_ I’ve failed her. _

_ <slam!> _

Every hit makes Jughead want to throw up and cry but he holds onto the pain and staggers forward with it like the chains of his family are dragging him back to the cesspool that’s become Riverdale. By the time he gets to the end of the gauntlet all he can think of is Betty’s tears, his father’s greasy face behind bars, and  _ Serpent Slut _ written in what might as well have been his blood on Betty’s locker.  _ Jughead Jones wuz here  _ feels like a permanent bruise barreled under his skin.

He loses the things he cares about. That’s what he does. His mom and Jellybean were the first to go, his dad’s in jail, Betty’s across town and some days it feels like they’re in totally different worlds. He’s seen the way Archie looks at her. It’s only a matter of time before his best friend chooses a girl over their relationship… again. And Betty… why would Betty choose  _ him _ , a broken, bad-luck gangster from the wrong side of the tracks?

Raising his chin for the final strike, he looks Sweet Pea in the eyes. There’s no love there. Nothing but a challenge. He feels like he's trading Betty's conflicted, intelligent, caring green gaze for the glittering edge of a snake.

His blood is theirs now. They can’t leave him without death.

In unity there is strength.

The final hit splits his face open and knocks him to the ground. A roar burrows through his ear canal, slithering in and taking hold of his senses.

_ Get up _ , it hisses.

His bones move like he’s his own necromancer, forcing him to stand while his mind stays deafeningly silent.

He will be better than his father, he decides, smearing the blood on his face like war paint. He will be a better man.

_ A better partner? _

By the time he gets back to the trailer, his face is swollen and throbbing and he feels different with the Serpent jacket around his shoulders. Betty’s not on the stairs and a black hole opens up in his chest. He told her to leave.

_ You pushed her away. You can’t be with her and be with them. _

Blinking back tears, he sits in his tiny kitchen and shoves an ice pack against his face, alternating which eye socket so people think he’s sniffling and dripping condensation instead of stinging from heartache. This is supposed to be a big moment. And it is. But he feels awful. Everything feels awful.

As they draw the Serpent on his skin, he can’t help but wonder if he’s in the “dark timeline,” a stark contrast to the dreams he had of stabbing Archie in the back to get the perfect family with Betty. This is the world in which he neglects her and puts her in danger, the one where he breaks her heart because he can never be good enough for her.

The needle pierces his skin and makes him hiss.

It’s appropriate. And depressing. Almost enough to drink whatever his dad has left in the kitchen.

He can feel Toni’s big eyes watching him as she works, wiping the ink and blood as it seeps from his skin. When it’s done, she tapes Saran Wrap over it and caresses his arm. “Do you want some pills?”

“I need to call Betty.”

“You should rest.” He shoots her a firm look that makes her sigh and back up. “I’ll be on the couch if you need me.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that. It won’t look good if Toni crashes at his place, even if she’s mostly doing it so she doesn’t have to go back to the cramped Topaz trailer. But they’ve also just sworn to be family so he can’t exactly tell her to eat bricks.

He goes to his dad’s bedroom–a place that probably won’t be occupied for a  _ while _ and dials his girlfriend. He hopes she’s still his girlfriend.

_ “This number is no longer in service. _ ”

It stuns him too much for his brain to make the metaphorical connection. Instead, he mutters, “What the fuck?” and tries the number eight more times, heart rate increasing with each attempt until he feels like he’s about to run a marathon. He calls Archie and stands, pacing, shoving his hat on and off his head, wondering if he should ram her door down with whatever strength he has left. “Do you know where Betty is? I can’t get through to her phone.”

“She’s in her room but I can’t see and she won’t open the window.”

“Is she okay?” His words crack, voice twisting higher than his normal registry. Betty almost never closes her curtains. She always said it made her room feel “too much like a cage.”

“Of course she’s not okay! None of us are okay!” Jughead bites his lip, iron flooding his taste buds. Seeming to collect himself, Archie breathes deeply. “She’s going through a lot right now with her family. They’re… it’s forcing her to distance herself from things.”

“What ‘things?’” Is that what he’d been reduced to? A “thing?” Not even a person?

“Things that could hurt her, something you’ve been doing a lot, recently.”

Stunned into silence, Jughead sits on the bed.

Was  _ Archie  _ reprimanding him?

The same guy who’d repeatedly ripped her heart out of her chest with barely any effort at taking care of it?

Betty said she wanted Jughead to come back. She’d been so earnest about it. It’s been hard since he left but they’re fighting for each other, or that’s the impression he had. Maybe she wants the old Jughead. Not whatever he is.

Wiping his face, he tries not to think about the mud still caked on his cheeks. “Can I borrow the ladder?”

“No. Someone’s watching–uh, her parents are watching the house for the Black Hood. I’m watching, too. Keep an eye out, Jughead. Hopefully, we’ll catch this guy and things can go back…” It hangs like a death sentence.

They both know things can never go back to the way they were.

~~~

The Serpents have too much of a crisis on their hands for Jughead to properly camp out by the Cooper house. He dips by the library, Pop’s, anywhere that might be “neutral territory.” Toni tries to tell him to forget about the Northside Princess like Betty’s a passing ship instead of the girl he’s loved his whole life, the person he wants to spend the rest of it with.

Thankfully, Betty’s stomach is empty when she walks up to Pop’s because the sight of Jughead in a booth with Toni on what looks like a date is enough to make her vomit. Trembling, she clutches her stomach. Archie rushes to put an arm around her waist like he’s not sure if she’s going to faint or fall apart.

Blinking back tears, she shakes her head.

“I can’t go in.”

“Betty, let me get you a takeout bag or something. You haven’t eaten in days.”

“It’ll just taste like ash, anyways,” she mutters, tempted to stab herself in the heart by glancing up at the window again. Jughead’s chuckling, stealing a fry. How could he laugh at a time like this?

“If you are going to fight the Black Hood, you’ll need your strength.” Archie pointedly stares at her until she makes eye contact and nods, then hugs her so tightly that she almost feels warm again–or maybe she’s just run out of tears. Jughead used to help her be strong. This time, she’s running on adrenaline and maybe a dash of Archie’s vengeance.

Sighing, she crumples behind a nearby car, hands in her face, hair curtaining her face. The next time her stalker calls, she’s going to end this nightmare. If he doesn’t kill her, all of  _ this  _ will.

Jughead perks up as he hears Archie placing an order for himself along with Betty’s regular meal to-go. As soon as Jughead stands, practically tripping over himself to get to the counter, his (former?) best friend shoots him a dirty look Alice Cooper would be proud of.

Ignoring it, he swallows his nerves and glances out the window, wishing he could spot his girl. “Is that for Betty?”

Archie eyes Jughead’s broken face and Toni with consternation. “Was that the Serpents?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Not in Pop’s, the sacred place, although from the way Archie flinches every time the entrance rings, perhaps it’s already been fucked up beyond repair.

“I think it does, Jughead,” Archie insists, squaring off. From behind the counter, Pop looks nervous and Jughead can’t blame him.

“Can I–I’ll write Betty a note and slip it in the bag. Or maybe you could pass her a message?”

“She’s got enough going on that she doesn’t have time to be distracted by you screwing around with the Serpents behind her back.”

The impulse to sock Archie in the face almost takes the breath out of him. “She’s my best friend.”

Scoffing, Archie shakes his head and glares at Toni like he’s not sure who Jughead’s referencing. “Pop, how’s the order coming?”

It’s not fair.

“Fuck this,” Jughead mutters, darting out the door. He’ll shimmy up the drainpipe and break glass if he has to. He promised he’d come back.

He’s halfway to his bike when he spots someone scampering, pale blue jeans and Keds disappearing around a truck. Heart in his throat, he stalks forward, not wanting to spook Betty like a rabbit. When did she get like this?

“Betts?”

“I… can’t right now, Jughead.”

She closes her eyes and clutches her key necklace.

Of course Jughead comes towards her. Each step shuffles until she can feel his shadow replace the sun. Her eyes flutter open as his arms wrap around her shoulders, pulling her into his chest.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

Somehow, her body finds the resources to cry again. “I’m sorry, too, Jughead.”

Her scarred hands mold to his shoulder blades under the leather jacket, wishing she could pull him inside of her and fill all the empty, rotten spaces with what makes him and her so special together.

By themselves, they might be weak.

But together…

Together...

**Author's Note:**

> WORDS. They're powerful things. Leave them below? Or...we can talk about burgers. I like those. So does Jughead. I'm @lovedinapastlife on Tumblr if you so choose to say hello there


End file.
